God revealed something to me tonight.
I came to the realization that, despite my very difficult childhood and life, I have suffered the deepest and most painful hurts within the past two years. Not in a specific incidence, but in an accumulation of events during that time frame. However, I am beginning to see the good in the midst of these pains.
I was recently asked if I thought that my confidence in God wavered during these past two years as a result. I can firmly say that it has not (of course there have been moments of doubt and shaking, but in the end my confidence in Him has become stronger, not weaker). However, as C.S. Lewis so beautifully put it, my false self-sufficiency has been shattered by pain.
All of my own plans, capabilities, strengths, and goals have all fallen and will continue to fall in the presence of my God. I have been blessed by the LORD and led by Him, only to find that His strength is the only thing that proves true. Now, in the absence of all merely natural motives and supports, I am learning to act on that strength, and that alone. Yet still my thoughts, whether their source from the enemy or simply of my carnal nature, scream out claims of the cruelty of God for fathering in such a manner. “How could He do that to you? Give you good things just to take them away? Hasn't that happened enough in your life? How can you ever trust Him with anything? You love Him, you serve Him. You are so faithful to Him, you haven't given up. Is this how He repays you? He promises to bless you and give you good things! And those desires of your heart? They are no where in sight! Is it all even worth it? Is He, this Jesus whom you serve, even worthy of your love, let alone your trust?”
And with that last question making it's way into my mind, all seemingly right accusations against my Creator fall apart.
Is He worthy?
I am brought to tears at the mere thought of my questioning, my heart almost bursting out of my chest crying, “YES!” louder than any claim of His so-called cruelty.
I realize that God has allowed these pains in my life to draw me ever closer to Him, for He knows far better than I that my only true source of love, joy, peace, and strength is found in His nearness.
“At first, I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ.” (C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain).
Though He slay me, I will trust in Him!
“Nothing else really matters... Only to love Him and do what He tells me. I don't know why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love Him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.” (Hinds Feet On High Places)
These above ramblings are a poor attempt at articulating the deepest truth that God has impressed upon my heart in the midst of deep pain. Yet the heart of the matter is this: that in my weakness, His strength is perfected; and this everlasting truth is rooted in the unshakable foundation that God is love, God is good, and God is for me. I pray that I will never stop learning to rest upon it.